Last week, I read a post on The Bloggess that took me by surprise. While I thought that something was a little…off about her, I was dumbfounded to learn that not only does she suffer from depression but she engages in self-harm. I mean, this is a woman with an incredibly popular blog, a book deal, and was recently named Person of the Day by The Huffington Post. Never would I have guessed what she revealed. But it got me thinking that maybe I should reveal something about me. After all, if she can share that, I can share this:
I can’t have more children.
I can’t have more children not because I don’t want any but because I physically cannot. It even has a name–secondary infertility. I have been to numerous doctors and no one can figure out what’s wrong with me or why I have this. I had planned on having surgery to literally explore further but other circumstances have prevented that from happening. Not being able to have any more children because of something completely out of my control is extremely frustrating, disheartening and depressing.
I still haven’t fully accepted the fact that I’ll never have more kids. While right now, due to my marital circumstances, I’m not trying to have more kids, I still tell myself that if I ever do start trying again, I might be successful. I tell myself all kinds of lies that I won’t bother you with. But when it all comes down to it, I know that it’s not true.
I’ve spent many hours rationalizing with myself, discussing the benefits of having only one child. It’s funny how we rationalize with ourselves to accept something we don’t want to accept. What do I tell myself? A sampling:
- I will never again have to buy diapers or formula. Please note that this is not intended to open up a discussion about breastfeeding and cloth diapering versus diapers and formula. Either way you choose to go (and it is a personal choice), there is a cost associated with it. I am done with that cost.
- No more daycare. My daughter starts kindergarten in the fall and if all goes well, I will no longer be working full-time. That means no more daycare. I am over the moon excited to be keeping that money in my pocket.
- No more teething, potty training, midnight feedings, diaper bags, strollers or anything else that gave me endless sleepless nights or made it so I could not get out of my house in under 7 hours.
- Music lessons, sports, activities, hobbies, summer camp. I will only have to fork over money for one child to attend or participate in these. As an ancillary side effect, I will only have to attend concerts, games, etc for only one child. No jealousy between siblings, no splitting my time.
- School expenses. Although the plan is for my daughter to go to public school or a charter school, there are still expenses that go along with it. Supplies, uniforms, class trips, book fairs, text books, bake sales…even free education isn’t free. I will only have to support one child’s K-12 education.
- One college education, one wedding. I have one child. I will only have to pay these expenses for one child. Given that these are huge expenses, I am glad to only have to pay for one.
Before everything in my marriage blew up, we had discussed the feasibility of all the other options: in vitro, artificial insemination, adoption. For every pro there were 18 cons. And now with my husband changing jobs, we’re not even sure what insurance would cover. Adoption isn’t 100% off the table but it might be cost prohibitive. Which leaves me in a place I never wanted–a mom with only one child.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m ungrateful for the child that I do have. I know how blessed and lucky I am to have a healthy, smart, wonderful child when there are so many moms and dads out there struggling with the kid (or kids) they do have or simply can’t have any. But I always imagined my life as a mom to more than one child. When I’m out in public and I see a mom with 2 or 3 or 4 kids, I get a little angry and can’t help but think “why does she get to have 4 kids? Why not me?” When I find out someone is pregnant, I can’t control the pangs of jealousy. I believe that if having one child were my choice and not a choice forced upon me, I’d feel differently.
But for now, I just have to accept the fact that I have secondary infertility. I suppose it could be worse.
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I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. I wish there were comforting words I could type that would make it all better.
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Jana, I am so sorry to hear of this new struggle – but kudos to you for being willing to share.
I do not have any children of my own and coming to the realization that I will probably never become pregnant or give birth is one of the things I have been reluctant to disclose. Thank you again for being brave enough to share your feelings.
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Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with all of us here. I can only imagine how painful it must be. I with through something after the birth of my second child that left me feeling a small part of what you feel. I have wanted a daughter for as long as I can remember. I just knew I was going to be a mom to a girl someday. I have 2 boys. When I decided to stop at 2 (mostly due to the decline in my marriage and eventual divorce), I mourned the loss of a daughter I never had.
Now might not be the time, you’ll need to come to grips with the infertility and make sure finances are in order but do not discount the loving act of adoption. There are so many children who need a devoted parent and you would definitely be that. (I’m a huge proponent of local adoption). I hope to someday have the opportunity to adopt.
Now I’m off to find out about what The Blogges is doing.
Jessica, The Debt Princess recently posted..Suze Orman’s Approved PrePaid Debit Card: Bad for Consumers!
First off, fantastic redesign. Second, you are very brave to share this. I’m sorry to hear, but like another comment, this actually helps you heal and deal with the issue. It’s natural to feel how you do when you had visions of being a mother to more than one child. On the flip side, I know a few folks who are struggling to have one. Life is a funny game we all play and we just have to make the best hand with the cards we are dealt. Good luck and I hope your pain lessens over time.
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This took a lot of courage to share, and this is why we do what we do. Sharing what we are going through can help others – even if it is only one person. I hope things calm down for you, and I have a good feeling that whatever happens when the dust settles is what was meant to happen.
John | Married With Debt recently posted..Meal Plans Kick Grocery Lists’ A$$
Thanks for sharing something so personal. It will help you heal. Good luck in whatever you decide.
And I do love your new look here!
Dr Dean recently posted..Mushrooms: Grown At Home?
I’m sorry that this has happened to you, Jana. Treasure the child that you do have each and every day (which I’m sure you do), as she is truly a precious gift.
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I am SO sorry to hear it. Thank you for sharing something so personal and painful. Not everyone can talk so openly about such a personal problem. I hope that you will find peace (eventually) and the right solution for your family. My heart goes out to you.
Aloysa @ My Broken Coin recently posted..How To Sprint Successfully Towards Your Financial Goals
Thanks for sharing something this personal. I am happy that you have a amazing daughter.
marissa recently posted..Link Love- Winter Cottage edition
Jana what a revealing post. My mother also could not have any more children after she had me. So, though I do not directly know how you feel I understand why you feel the way you do when you see people with multiple children. I wish you the best and hope that you can soon learn to cope with your situation
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Jana, I’m sorry to hear that. I think the hardest part is letting go of the dreams you had set for yourself.
Hugs to you xoxo
Newlyweds on a Budget recently posted..The 10 Pound Challenge: Are you in?
Fertility is such a tough thing. We all assume everything will work out, but so many times it doesn’t. I can imagine how hard it is to accept when you’ve envisioned it differently for so long, and I don’t blame you for justifying it to yourself. I would feel the same way.
Virtual hugs all around.
Thanks for sharing something so personal (and nice redesign). I often worry about this myself – though I’m not married (yet), I read all these stories of people having trouble or being unable to have children for whatever reason, and I cant imagine what it would be like.
Jeff @ Sustainable Life Blog recently posted..Frugal and Less Gross?
*hugs* In my mind, I was always going to be a mom. Never, ever did I think I would reach the age of 36 and not have kids. But here I am. I am here because of my own choices, and I recognize that, and yet there are times I rail against it. I can’t imagine what it is like to be in your situation where you can’t even make the choice.
shanendoah@the dog ate my wallet recently posted..Sunday Evening Post #24
Jana, I love you willingness to be real and I am so proud of you for opening up and sharing your heart.
anotherhousewife recently posted..Eating Out and the Rest of the Week
That was so brave to share something so personal with your readers; I am truly sorry that you are unable to have more children. I wish nothing but the best for you.
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Thanks for sharing. Hopefully adoption works out as a possible alternative down the line. It sounds like you have the right perspective, but it bears repeating to make sure to be thankful every day for the one you do have. I have a close friend who has lost two babies before term and I don’t think she can ever carry again, and I know she would give anything to have even one. It just goes to show that as much as we want and we plan, the fact is, it’s not always in our control as to how things turn out. Thanks again for sharing!
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Thanks for opening up and sharing something so close to your heart. I don’t have kids so I’m not sure what it’s like to be a mom. However, I do have 8 nieces and nephews and I love them to death. I do hope to have 1 or 2 kids of my own one day.
One of my sisters has 4 kids and is a “fertility farm” according to the doctor (lol). Then my youngest sister has fertility issues and hormone imbalances, and she’s the one who has wanted a huge family her whole life.
I don’t have first hand experience with fertility issues, but with my two sisters I understand what it’s like to want more children but you can’t.
Carrie – Careful Cents recently posted..Pay Down Debt Faster: Part One – Cut Spending
Sharing something so personal is brave of you. I am sorry to hear you can’t have any more when you want more. There is something about making the decision yourself to not have any more children versus having it decided for you that makes all the difference.
I know how difficult it is. My husband and I always wanted 4 kids, but when I had my scheduled c-section for the third one, there was a complication. The doctor said if we would have waited even 12 more hours for the c-section, my baby would have died. Then she said I can’t have anymore. It took us several months to get over the disappointment.
As Andrea said, there are other alternatives to bring another child into your life. I know the feeling of not yet having a complete family. Would you consider any of the alternatives?
Melissa recently posted..The Saved Quarter Challenge, 2012, #1 – Earned $1541.22
This makes my heart hurt for you – I can’t imagine living with that feeling that something is missing. In my case, I’m okay with just one child, but I know that’s different for everyone. When people are willing and able to care for more children, I think they should just be able to do that, and it makes me angry when that’s not the case.
I’m glad to know there are possible options out there, should you decide you definitely want another child. I know you guys will make the best decision for your family.
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